


You Will Be Found

by scrappylittlegleek



Category: Supergirl (Comics), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Protective Kara Danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 21:11:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18484438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlegleek/pseuds/scrappylittlegleek
Summary: Lena has been struggling with her anxiety and poor mental health. When she's at a particularly low point, she reaches out and confides in Kara, for once allowing someone to help her.





	You Will Be Found

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning- anxiety, mentions of self-harm and panic attacks

Lena typed out a text then quickly deleted the message. She scoffed and shook her head at how ridiculous she was being. She was behaving like a child, asking for help because she was upset about nothing. Again. It was an almost daily occurrence that now Lena would feel like this, and it was starting to get very inconvenient, to say the least.

She’d been trying to tell herself she was being irrational and nothing was really wrong, but so far it wasn’t working. No matter how she tried to spin it, she couldn’t stop the heaviness that sat on her chest like a brick, or the strain in her neck that made it nearly impossible to breathe. She just wanted to be done with it. Make up her mind for once. Function like a normal human being and just make a decision.

Text or no text?

It should’ve been so simple. But here she was, sitting on her bed, over complicating it just like she did with everything else. Making a big deal out of nothing.

 _Hey, are you still up?_ She typed. Her finger hovered over the send button. She could do it, chances were Kara was fast asleep. Then when she saw her in the morning she could make up some bullshit about how she just had a question she’d wanted to ask but couldn’t remember what exactly it was she’d wanted to say.

However, luck wasn’t on Lena’s side, and Kara responded almost right away.

**Yeah, what’s up?**

Lena’s face grew hot when she realized now she would actually have to respond. Which meant she was faced with another dilemma: tell the truth, or make something up and have a forced and fake pleasant conversation.

Lena knew it was in her best interest, to tell the truth, even if she didn’t want to admit it. She knew the things that had been happening weren’t normal, despite her now wanting to say it out loud yet.

The constant struggle to find a sense of calmness, unconsciously holding her breath or becoming on the verge of hyperventilation at any given moment. The never-ending thoughts that ran through her head a mile a minute, or how the ground always seemed to sway just slightly, and the world was always tilted so it seemed just a little too hard to stand straight.

Lena knew none of this was normal. She knew she probably should’ve reached out months ago when it started happening, but it had been manageable then. So she’d assumed it would be manageable now.

Of course, she’d only been lying to herself. It had only gotten worse as time passed, and it was getting to the point where the little pieces of worry and doubt were always chipping away at the back of her mind without her even recognizing it. Now it was at a place where she wasn’t sure if it would ever stop. But if she was being honest, she wasn’t sure if she wanted it to stop.

As inconvenient and painful as it was, Lena’s anxiety was consistent. It gave a sick sense of comfort because she knew no matter how many things changed it would always be there. It reminded her that she was herself and that she wasn’t as emotionally numb as she thought she was. The meltdowns and the heartache reminded her that she still had the capacity to feel. And as terrible as it was to have three panic attacks a week, Lena wasn’t sure how she would survive without them. She depended on them because if they weren’t there, it meant something was off, and sometimes that felt even worse.

**_Lena?_ **

Lena inhaled sharply as she was reminded now she actually had to respond to Kara’s message.

**Are you okay?**

She let out a tearful chuckle at the text because no, she wasn’t okay. She hadn’t been in a very long time and it felt completely and utterly pointless to lie, but even more useless to tell the truth.

_Yeah, I’m fine._

_I think something’s wrong with me,_ she typed out, before quickly deleting it. But she couldn’t stop herself from typing it out once more, and this time she hit send.

Lena held her breath as she waited for Kara’s response.

**What do you mean?**

Lena bit her lip, her heart rate sped up but not enough to be considered a concerning amount. She was breathing rather quickly, but not fast enough that it was becoming a struggle.

The middle ground she’d reached was strange and off-putting. It wasn’t healthy, she knew this, but it also wasn’t unhealthy. It was just incredibly confusing.

_I’m not really sure._

_I’m sorry._

_You can go back to bed, I shouldn’t have woken you up._

She closed her eyes and internally cursed herself for being so stupid. She turned her phone off and angrily slammed it against her mattress. Her face grew hot as her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill if she moved ever so slightly.

**You don’t need to apologize, I’m your friend. I’m here for you no matter what.**

Lena bit down on the inside of her cheeks. Of course, Kara was going to be supportive and caring. It was who she was. She was so damn perfect, and sometimes it really got on Lena’s nerves. Why couldn’t she just tell her to shut up for once? Why did she have to always help? Why did she have to be there when Lena knew she needed a hand to hold, but wasn’t ready to admit it to herself yet?

**What’s on your mind? Did something happen at L Corp?**

Lena released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in and anxiously ran her hand through her messy hair. She brushed away her tears in an effort to collect herself, even though she knew it was absolutely pointless. It wasn't like anyone could see her falling apart, it wouldn’t make a difference if she cried or didn’t. But she didn’t want to collapse. Not now. It didn’t matter if she was being held together with tape and glue like a second graders science fair project, she was staying together for as long as she could.

_No, it’s probably nothing._

It was such a pathetic lie, and Lena knew it. But she was too exhausted to think of anything better to say. She wanted help, but she didn’t know how to ask. She just wished Kara could figure it out for her.

But then again, if Kara did offer suggestions on how Lena could get actual help, Lena was almost positive she’d push her away. She had gotten so used to living with her anxiety, it felt pointless to do something about it now. She wanted to stop feeling the way she did, she knew that much. However, she also knew her mind was like a tunnel. It was deep and dark, it was taunting and dangerous. It was ever changing and quite frankly, a terrifying place that Lena absolutely despised. When she felt her most lost, the itch of anxiousness would always creep up on her, reminding her of who she was. This she could rely on. It would wrap itself around her, giving her a sense of eerie familiarity. Lena had come to depend on it because as much as she hated it, she didn’t know who she was without her anxiety.

**Are you sure?**

Lena sighed. She typed out a message and hit send before she could allow herself to over think or contemplate in the slightest.

_Something’s been going on lately, but it’s probably nothing._

Kara responded almost instantly.

**What is it?**

Lena’s hands shook violently and tears burned in her eyes. She could do it. She could say it, and when she did, the burden on her shoulders would be lifted ever so slightly.

_I want to do something stupid._

**Lena, what’s going on?**

Lena let out a shaky breath, unsure of how to put what was on her mind into words.

She’d been doing so well lately, or at least that’s what people kept telling her. Kara had seemed so proud of the improvement she’d supposedly been making, she couldn’t just ruin it now. However, every time Kara gave her a smile full of pride as she offered words of encouragement, Lena couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with guilt. Kara was so convinced she was getting better, but if what Lena was feeling was “better,” then self-improvement really didn’t deserve the hype.

_I don’t know, I’m sorry._

**It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize.**

Lena gripped her phone tightly and squeezed her eyes shut, tears the tears that spilled felt wrong and gross against her skin. She wanted it to stop. She wanted everything to just _stop._

_I don’t want to freak you out._

**Don’t worry about me.**

She could practically envision Kara sitting on her bed, typing out her message, a sad sympathetic smile on her lips. The smile she gave when she was nervous and doing everything in her power to keep it together and stay strong for someone else, sometimes at the expense of her own feelings.

Lena typed out her message and deleted it three times. Part of her couldn’t fathom telling anyone this, let alone Kara, someone she admired so greatly. But the other half of her was bursting to tell someone, to tell anyone. She just needed someone to know, even if they couldn’t help. So she typed the text again, held her breath, and pressed send.  

_I want to hurt myself._

There was a pause. Lena released the breath. Her chest hurt. She’d really ruined it now, she’d scared away the one person she trusted enough to confide in. The only person she’d been able to consider a friend, gone in an instant. All because she couldn’t just keep her mouth shut.

Why did she have to say something? She probably wasn't even going to go through with it anyway. She was much too scared. She just wanted to make herself feel something for once, something other than whatever it was that was constantly eating away at her. But of course, she'd just had to tell Kara and scare her away, just like she always did. 

**Can I come over?**

Lena was taken aback by this statement. Why didn’t Kara think she was some sort of emo freak? Why didn’t she assume she was seeking attention? After all, Lena still couldn’t be sure if she hadn’t been faking it this entire time.

 _Okay,_ she responded hesitantly.

**Just promise you won’t do anything before I get there?**

_I promise._

Kara arrived at Lena’s apartment much faster than was humanly possible, but Lena was too caught up in her own thoughts to even notice. When she’d answered the door, she’d been fidgety and anxious, barely able to look Kara in the eye, attempting to calm herself by playing with the hair tie on her wrist. Kara luckily had been strangely calm (she was bursting with nerves and uncertainty on the inside) and had managed to guide Lena to her room and sit beside her on the bed. She kept a respectable distance between the two of them, unsure of what Lena would and wouldn’t be okay with. Part of her still wanted to wrap Lena in her arms and hold her and make it all go away, but she knew that would never work.

“Lena, I-- I’m sorry I-- I don’t really know what to say,” Kara admitted, she chuckled nervously and looked down at her lap as she collected her thoughts, then back at Lena. “But can you-- I don’t know-- if you’re comfortable, please just-- just tell me what’s going on.”

Lena chewed on her lip as she continued to play with the hair tie on her wrist. “I… I really don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s just been-- just general anxiousness I guess,” she said with a shrug. “And it was manageable for a while-- even now it is most of the time. But sometimes it’s just-- it’s too much and I-- I don’t know I just-- I want it to stop and it-- it never does.”

She closed her eyes and instinctively held her breath to push down the inevitable struggle to breathe that would appear any second now.

Kara nodded understandingly as she took in what Lena had said. “Lena… this isn’t normal,” she said as gently as she could.

Lena looked down, averting Kara’s caring gaze. “I know I-- I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Kara said softly.

“I just-- I don’t know what to do about it anymore,” Lena admitted. “Most of the time I can-- I can kind of control it, I guess. But lately, it’s just gotten so much worse.”

Kara bit her lip as she prepared herself for the negative reaction she was bound to get from her next statement.

“I really think you need to consider seeing a therapist. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but I really do think you should.”

Lena sighed. “I--” she wanted to protest. She wanted to convince Kara that that wasn’t necessary, that she was fine and she’d just freaked out. She wanted to somehow pull herself together, plaster on her CEO face and kindly but firmly tell Kara nothing was wrong. Tell her she’d overreacted about nothing and everything would be fine soon enough. But it was pointless. She couldn’t even convince herself this was true anymore.

“I want to be there for you, and I’ll do whatever you need from me, but Lena I-- you’re my best friend and I-- I love you so much, I hate seeing you like this,” Kara said, her voice broke. “I want you to be okay, you deserve to be happy and I-- I can help as much as you’ll let me, but it’ll never be as good as help from a profession.”

“I don’t know Kara…” Lena’s voice trailed off, too afraid to admit the reasons she was so hesitant to accept help.

“What I’m faking it?” She asked. Her voice just below a whisper.

Kara exhaled and shook her head. “I guarantee you, you aren’t. If you were you wouldn’t be so worried about making it up.”

Lena closed her eyes and leaned back against the headboard. She was exhausted, and not just because it was nearly two in the morning. She was sick and tired of feeling this way. Every heaving breath drained her. It seemed like every day she was trudging through thick mud, fighting twice as hard as everyone else just to get through the hour. Everything she did felt like a battle, a battle she was very ready to give up on.

“I just want it all to stop,” she mumbled and brought her hands up to her forehead. For once she didn’t care how dramatic or ridiculous she sounded. She just needed someone to know how she felt.

Kara nodded sympathetically. “I know,” she said softly. “But it’s gonna get better, I promise.”

Lena wanted to argue. She wanted to insist she didn’t deserve to get better. She wanted to explain that it was useless. She was so used to feeling this way that there was no point in trying. Part of her even wanted to tell Kara about the sickening comfort she’d found in the consistency of it all. But she kept quiet. There was no point in countering her friend, and she was way too tired to pick an unnecessary fight.

“You just need to get help-- real help so you can learn how to cope properly, because this,” Kara gestured to Lena slumping against her headboard. “This isn’t working.”

Lena looked down at her lap shamefully at Kara’s statement. She knew it was true, she couldn’t deny it.

“I love you Lena, and I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy,” Kara placed a hand on top of Lena’s and gave it a squeeze. “But you need to start taking care of yourself. Because I know you know somethings wrong and you need to do something about it.”

Lena swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, avoiding Kara’s gaze at all costs. “I know,” she managed to force out, her voice breaking.

Kara gave a reassuring smile and inched closer to Lena. “We can finish this in the morning,” she said as she draped her arm around Lena’s shoulder. “For now, lets just rest. We can worry and feel things later,” she said with a small chuckle, which earned a teary-eyed smile from Lena.

She instinctively curled up next to Lena, who rested her head on Kara’s chest.

“Thank you,” she mumbled.

“For what?”

“For caring. And for calling me out on my bullshit,” Lena added with a light laugh.

“Of course,” Kara smiled, laying her head on top of Lena’s. “You deserve to get better, you deserve happiness.”

Lena couldn’t bring herself to argue even though she desperately wanted to. She still felt disgusting and awful inside. She still felt like she was taking advantage of Kara for calling her in the middle of the night. She still felt deviant, like she was faking the whole thing. She still hated herself. But what changed was now she had someone who really did love her, even if she didn’t believe it yet. She had someone who cared for her, even if she wasn’t able to understand why. She wasn’t alone. And knowing that somehow made the terrible feeling that continued to eat away at her just a tiny bit less painful.


End file.
